5.25.2006

American Ingenuity Again Saves The Day

There is no problem more prominent or vexing to the average consumer today than high gas prices. We all know that something has to be done before this escalates from annoyance to crisis and then on to cataclysm. At that point we may have to all walk or ride bicycles to places we need to be, which could then, in turn, compromise our national heritage of morbid obesity. Our sense of self will be shattered. But no solution seems to work. What to do? Well, thank goodness we have General Motors to pull our heads out of The Box and bury them in the sand. Sand, incidentally, that has collected so far up our asses that we can taste it. Mmmmm. Ass sand.

Several days ago GM announced an elegant, simple solution to the high gasoline prices that have resulted from global increases in consumption: Give people what they want, more consumption!

DETROIT - Aiming to capitalize on consumer angst about the high cost of gasoline, General Motors Corp. on Tuesday said it would cap pump prices at $1.99 for customers in California and Florida who buy certain vehicles by July 5. The offer is good for 2006 and 2007 model year vehicles.

In California, eligible vehicles are the Chevrolet Tahoe and Suburban sport utility vehicles and Impala and Monte Carlo. In Florida, eligible vehicles are the Impala, Monte Carlo, Grand Prix and LaCrosse.sedans; the GMC Yukon and Yukon XL SUVs; the Hummer H2 and H3 SUVs; the Cadillac SRX SUV; and the Pontiac Grand Prix and Buick LaCrosse sedans. In GM will credit drivers the difference between the average price per gallon in their state and the $1.99 cap. The credits can be used through December 2007. Consumers wouldn't get any credits if gas prices fall below $1.99.

GM said a California resident who buys a 2007 Chevrolet Tahoe and drives 1,000 miles per month would get an estimated $103.75 monthly credit, based on the current average premium fuel price of $3.65 per gallon, GM said. A Florida resident who drives a 2006 Buick LaCrosse about 1,000 miles per month would get an estimated monthly credit of $60 based on the current premium fuel price of $3.19.

The genius behind this should be self-evident because, as everyone knows, reverse psychology works best on (1) small children and (2) commodity markets. Damn they're good. It should be noted that GM is not doing this purely out of the goodness of their own hearts. Customers will have to enroll in the OnStar Diagnostics program to qualify.

There seems little point in actually debating whether or not this is a prudent or responsible strategy on the part of GM in the context of the current and forecast oil shortage. The whole thing belies a corporation so ravenously greedy to unload their environmental hazard of a product and assumes a collective consumer retardation so catastrophic that it's kind of absurd to point it out. Still, there it is. Behold its moronic magnificence!

I will say this. Over and over again, I find myself admiring the ingenuity of American marketing. While I sit around debating questions like, "Do you think it's possible to bake a pie inside of a cake?" with my friends while staying poor, corporations are making gajillions off of this shit. When will my indignance pay off?


11 Comments:

At 10:58 AM, Blogger Butternugget said...

When I make my millions from said piecake (or is it cakepie) I will give you a piece of the piecake (ha! get it?). Since technically you came up with the idea you can have a percentage. *

*Let’s say it would be a whole .002 %. Assuming I make an average profit of $50 per cake sold and I sell 20,000 cakes, you would get about $2,000. Not bad just for thinking about food.

 
At 12:20 PM, Blogger evandebacle said...

It's definitely called piecake. And I need a better negotiator.

 
At 1:16 PM, Blogger Butternugget said...

How about I toss in a free piecake once a month?

 
At 8:18 AM, Anonymous Shannon said...

One wonders why you wouldn't just bake a pie, then bake a bigger cake. Cut pie-sized hole in the bottom of the cake, stuff the pie into said hole and voila! You could then layer the whole thing on top of another layer of cake and frost away. You then have a pie inside a cake...

Not that I'm advocating this kind of cross-desert monstrosity! God ne'er intended the pie and the cake to breed! It's the work of the DEVIL!

 
At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Shannon said...

And if the Debacalyptic One only gets 0.002%, then my math has him making a cool 20 bucks on your 20,000 piecakes. He definitely needs a better negotiator. ;)

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger Butternugget said...

I meant .002 % of a million, the total dollar take on 20K piecakes sold. I'm doing all the hard work anyway, he only spent 30 seconds coming up with the idea so 2K for 30 seconds of work isn't so bad if you ask me.

Sure it would be easier to hollow out a cake and put the pie in, but what kind of challenge would that be? And are you seriously telling me that if I make one you wont want to try a piece?

 
At 4:51 PM, Anonymous Shannon said...

Uh-oh. Now I'm afraid I'm making some kind of math mistake. I get:

20,000 x 50 x 0.00002 = 20

Anyway, I suppose E. should be grateful for even a couple bucks for his ideas... ;)

Would I try a piecake? I actually do kinda doubt it - I really don't like pie. Blech. I'll admit I'm probably the only American in the country who wouldn't gleefully wet himself over such a dessert opportunity - 2 desserts for the same eating effort!

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger evandebacle said...

Shannon, if everyone had such dessert timidity we would have never evolved to emerge from the Jell-o mold slime that was the American kitchen from the 1950s - 1970s.

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger evandebacle said...

Oh, and I am looking to hire an agent and a lawyer to better protect my interests and intellectual property.

 
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