Opening Wide

I don't care what the Denver Post says, it's true. Sex sells. The reason for this is simple. People either: 1. like to do it, 2. like to think they like to do it, or 3. like to think they don't like to do it and therefore very strongly like to dislike it. Anyway you slice it, for capitalism, sex is an instrument of perfection.

Personally, I may not really be drawn to Coors because of those alpine amazons playing volleyball in their commercials, but I'm pretty sure that the only reason I know that American Apparel even exists is because of the cute girls in their Onion ads. I don't know where to buy the stuff, but I assume it's somewhere in the sexy model 'hood. Too bad I can't go there because my teeth hurt. Or maybe the dentist's office is the perfect place to hook-up. Hmmmm. I wonder.

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The following brochure is from Dental Profile on 53rd St. in Hyde Park. Let's forget for a moment that I once knew someone who literally ran from this House of Pain screaming and crying because they were so incompetent in the ways of anesthetic technology. They have a new image, a world away from their 13th century means of pain relief, and here's what it looks like.

Not bad. Has a handy calendar and a map of locations so the when and where can be taken care of. It asks you take action for the sake of your dentition and your inherent beauty: Discover your Brightest Smile! Hey, no one ever said that the brightest discoveries are ever made without blindingly excruciating pain. In any case, a smile is nice, but hardly hipster clothes hawking nymph sexy...or is it? Maybe a little cleaning and scraping can be a little hot. Just picture a gravely voice whispering "eeeenaaamel" or "inciiiisor" in your ear. Whew! Is that a bead of sweat mixing with your saliva in the spit sink? It should be. And I didn't even begin discussing "fluoride treatments." (Plus I'll skip the "whitening" jokes for the sake of class and decorum.) Let's take a closer look at the brochure, shall we?

Hmmm. How odd. What's that going on in the bottom left corner. Is dentistry like electricity? All the parts have to make a circuit for it to work? Well, I have always heard that nothing makes for cleaners gums than a hygienist rubbing all up against the dentist. And look at the smile in the eyes of that hygienist. It's the sweetest taboo. With all the scraping, bleeding and mechanical slurping, this patient has no idea what is going on just inches away. Perhaps some frottage is planned for the bridge work in Room 3? Or maybe she is simply awed by the dentist's masterful assessment of this extreme case of periodontitis. "I believe the probe reaches 6.5 millimeters below the gumline, Doctor. What ever shall we do?" "We'll just treat the patient and play footsie. Because we're dental professionals and that's what we do, Ms. Hygienist. It's just what we do."


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