Stomach Held Hostage: Day 5, An FAQ

Stomach Held Hostage: Day 5, An FAQ

OK, so I may have given some of you the impression that this little detoxification thing is a little bit crazier than it actually is. While I did have some flax seed and brewer's yeast on Saturday, it's really not that crazy. I will try to clear things up.

What the fuck?

Like I had mentioned before, I was feeling kind of shitty and my friend said that he had recently done this and felt awesome. Super-fantastic-awesome even. How can I argue with that? Just because he's an anthropologist rather than a nutrionist. And his favorite food is butter. And I really have no idea where the hell he came up with this detox thing.
How can I argue with that?

Couldn't you have waited until after Easter Brunch at the Horseshoe?

If you start to tingle and smell brisket does it mean you're having a stroke?

How's that hippie diet of yours going?

Superb actually. I can't believe the difference. Hippies are naturally organic and free-range and therefore far more healthful than the human meat you find in your typical grocer's freezer. Once you get used to the gamy taste...delicious!

Is it actually working, because it sounds like bullshit to me and we all think this is a desperate attempt at something, but it sounds so stupid and nuts that we can't figure out what?

I am a bit less sluggish, but the big thing is that I think it has helped my skin. For instance, this morning I had the best shave I've had in forever. It's like someone stapled as baby's ass onto my cheeks.

Do you have to do this forever or what?

In theory, I will try to eat better after it's done. Whether this will mean eating well or simply limiting my consumption of orange beef from Lung Wah Chop Suey on 53rd to thrice per week, only time will tell.

So, what is this diet?

Here it is. Reprinted without permission of any kind...Voila:

Seven-day prequel

Each day choose at least one from each group:

1. Liver beneficial foods

a.Crucifers (½ cup cooked or 1 cup raw): cabbage, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, broccoli, broccoli sprouts

b. Green leafy vegetables and herbs (½ cup cooked or 1 cup raw): parsley, kale, watercress, chard, cilantro, beet greens, collards, escarole, dandelion greens, mustard greens

c. Citrus fruit: 1 orange or juice of half lemon or lime

d. Sulfur-rich foods: 1 clove garlic; onion (½ cup cooked); 2 eggs; daikon radish (¼ cup raw)

e. Liver-healers: 1 artichoke; asparagus (½ cup cooked); beets (½ cup cooked); whey (1-2 scoops or yeast flakes); dandelion root tea (1-2 cups)

2. Colon beneficial foods – choose at least two each day: powdered psyllium husk (1-2 tsp. in 8 oz. water), flaxseeds (2-3 tbs. milled or ground); carrot; apple; pear; berries (1 cup)

3. Water – drink half body weight in ounces per day (i.e., 90 oz. or 5.5 qt.)

4. Protein – two servings daily of a selection: lean beef; lamb; skinless chicken; skinless turkey; skinless fish

5. Oils – consume 1-2 tbs. of olive or flaxseed oil each day

*Things to avoid: fat, sugar, white rice, white flour, gluten (wheat, rye, barley), breads, pastas, crackers, crusts, soy sauce, vinegars, soy products, alcohol, drugs, caffeine, and molds.

*Other good things: unsweetened cranberry juice

*To avoid depression: augment with nuts and seeds, especially almonds, walnuts, sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds, and sunflower seeds (raw or toasted, but unprocessed); consume “friendly carbs” like chickpeas, lentils, adzuki beans, pinto beans, kidney beans (½ cup); or 1 sweet potato.

One-day fast

Consume 64 oz. of detox juice and 64 oz. of water, alternating one cup juice, one cup water throughout the day. In the morning and evening, before and after consuming the detox juice, eat 2-3 tbs. flaxseeds.

Detox Juice - Bring 2 qt. cranberry water (56 oz. water, 8 oz. unsweetened cranberry juice) to boil. Reduce heat and let simmer 15-20 minutes with spices: ½ tsp. cinnamon, ¼ tsp. ground ginger, ¼ tsp. nutmeg, and 2 packets of stevia-plus. Take off heat and coo to room temperature, then add ¾ cup fresh-squeezed orange juice and ¼ cup fresh-squeezed lemon.

Three-day sequel

Eat exactly as in seven-day prequel, only augment daily with 1 cup yogurt. Beginning on day two of the sequel, also add tablets of HCL in a formula with 500 mg betaine hydrochloride, 130 mg pepsin, 50 mg ox bile extract.

* * * * *

See. Once you've separated ox from bile, it's a perfectly cromulent diet.

Note: On second thought, oxen look so sad when they're away from their bile. Maybe I'll skip that step and just do an extra shot of Detox Juice.


At 8:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dunno, Evan, it seems a) like way too much work and b) psychosomatic (note, I did not say psychotic or just crazy, merely psychosomatic). I'm guessing the real benefit comes from all the water and being properly hydrated.

Let me know when you're done with this and we'll grab lunch or dinner or something.

At 6:44 AM, Blogger evandebacle said...

Plus you know the source which may add to your incredulity.

The clear facts are that my skin looks better and I've probably dropped a pound or two. I think, more than detoxifying, the message I'm getting from is my body is that I need to find a middle ground when it comes to eating. So, while bbq ribs are the best evidence I've found for the existence of god, maybe I should order something green a little more often...and no more fucking Noodles Etc. at lunch.

Oh, I should probably exercise or something.

At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Fujisan said...

Beginning on day two of the sequel, also add tablets of HCL in a formula with 500 mg betaine hydrochloride, 130 mg pepsin, 50 mg ox bile extract.

Hydrochloric acid mixed with more hydrochloric acid? Sounds like a good recipe for heartburn. Oh, you probably don't need the extra pepsin, since pepsin is an enzyme designed to break down protein, and you aren't eating very much protein in this diet.

I also don't consider any of the fruit listed to be "colon beneficial" as apples, pears, and berries don't contain very much fiber.

The rest of the diet sounds perfectly fine. Eat more vegetables and less calories by avoiding foods containing lots of fat and sugar. There really is no such thing as "good carbs" and "bad carbs" though. It's all about eating fewer calories than you expend.

Oh yeah. Stevia, a natural high intensity sweetener, is not approved by the FDA for use in foods. That's why it is never labeled as a sweetener, and is usually only found in dietary supplements (since those are not regulated at all).

I ate a ham, swiss cheese, asparagus, and bechamel sauce crepe for lunch yesterday in Montreal. Yum!


At 12:58 PM, Blogger evandebacle said...

I think I may avoid most of the craziness listed in those last few days. I am starting to think of this as less of a nutritional detox and more of a habitual one. I need to get out of the habit of eating such shit and not exercising at all(beyond a vigorous bowl now and again). On that note, that crepe sounds amazing.

At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Rev Transit said...

Good job sticking with the diet for so long. The other friends of mine have also raved about similar fasts-- one attributes a long fast a few years ago and one short fast each year for curing his allergies.

In any case, just doing the fast is good for your psyche and your self-discipline. Good luck on finding some exercise you enjoy. Racqetball and weight-lifting has made me feel much better and now I even enjoy it.


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