Stomach Held Hostage: Day 5, An FAQ

Stomach Held Hostage: Day 5, An FAQ

OK, so I may have given some of you the impression that this little detoxification thing is a little bit crazier than it actually is. While I did have some flax seed and brewer's yeast on Saturday, it's really not that crazy. I will try to clear things up.

What the fuck?

Like I had mentioned before, I was feeling kind of shitty and my friend said that he had recently done this and felt awesome. Super-fantastic-awesome even. How can I argue with that? Just because he's an anthropologist rather than a nutrionist. And his favorite food is butter. And I really have no idea where the hell he came up with this detox thing. How can I argue with that?

Couldn't you have waited until after Easter Brunch at the Horseshoe?

If you start to tingle and smell brisket does it mean you're having a stroke?

How's that hippie diet of yours going?

Superb actually. I can't believe the difference. Hippies are naturally organic and free-range and therefore far more healthful than the human meat you find in your typical grocer's freezer. Once you get used to the gamy taste...delicious!

Is it actually working, because it sounds like bullshit to me and we all think this is a desperate attempt at something, but it sounds so stupid and nuts that we can't figure out what?

I am a bit less sluggish, but the big thing is that I think it has helped my skin. For instance, this morning I had the best shave I've had in forever. It's like someone stapled as baby's ass onto my cheeks.

Do you have to do this forever or what?

In theory, I will try to eat better after it's done. Whether this will mean eating well or simply limiting my consumption of orange beef from Lung Wah Chop Suey on 53rd to thrice per week, only time will tell.

So, what is this diet?

Here it is. Reprinted without permission of any kind...Voila:

Seven-day prequel

Each day choose at least one from each group:

1. Liver beneficial foods

a.Crucifers (½ cup cooked or 1 cup raw): cabbage, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, broccoli, broccoli sprouts

b. Green leafy vegetables and herbs (½ cup cooked or 1 cup raw): parsley, kale, watercress, chard, cilantro, beet greens, collards, escarole, dandelion greens, mustard greens

c. Citrus fruit: 1 orange or juice of half lemon or lime

d. Sulfur-rich foods: 1 clove garlic; onion (½ cup cooked); 2 eggs; daikon radish (¼ cup raw)

e. Liver-healers: 1 artichoke; asparagus (½ cup cooked); beets (½ cup cooked); whey (1-2 scoops or yeast flakes); dandelion root tea (1-2 cups)

2. Colon beneficial foods – choose at least two each day: powdered psyllium husk (1-2 tsp. in 8 oz. water), flaxseeds (2-3 tbs. milled or ground); carrot; apple; pear; berries (1 cup)

3. Water – drink half body weight in ounces per day (i.e., 90 oz. or 5.5 qt.)

4. Protein – two servings daily of a selection: lean beef; lamb; skinless chicken; skinless turkey; skinless fish

5. Oils – consume 1-2 tbs. of olive or flaxseed oil each day

*Things to avoid: fat, sugar, white rice, white flour, gluten (wheat, rye, barley), breads, pastas, crackers, crusts, soy sauce, vinegars, soy products, alcohol, drugs, caffeine, and molds.

*Other good things: unsweetened cranberry juice

*To avoid depression: augment with nuts and seeds, especially almonds, walnuts, sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds, and sunflower seeds (raw or toasted, but unprocessed); consume “friendly carbs” like chickpeas, lentils, adzuki beans, pinto beans, kidney beans (½ cup); or 1 sweet potato.

One-day fast

Consume 64 oz. of detox juice and 64 oz. of water, alternating one cup juice, one cup water throughout the day. In the morning and evening, before and after consuming the detox juice, eat 2-3 tbs. flaxseeds.

Detox Juice - Bring 2 qt. cranberry water (56 oz. water, 8 oz. unsweetened cranberry juice) to boil. Reduce heat and let simmer 15-20 minutes with spices: ½ tsp. cinnamon, ¼ tsp. ground ginger, ¼ tsp. nutmeg, and 2 packets of stevia-plus. Take off heat and coo to room temperature, then add ¾ cup fresh-squeezed orange juice and ¼ cup fresh-squeezed lemon.

Three-day sequel

Eat exactly as in seven-day prequel, only augment daily with 1 cup yogurt. Beginning on day two of the sequel, also add tablets of HCL in a formula with 500 mg betaine hydrochloride, 130 mg pepsin, 50 mg ox bile extract.

* * * * *

See. Once you've separated ox from bile, it's a perfectly cromulent diet.

Note: On second thought, oxen look so sad when they're away from their bile. Maybe I'll skip that step and just do an extra shot of Detox Juice.