I would like to wish everyone out there a Happy Passover (Good Passover? Peppy Passover? Gnarly Passover?). As those of you who know me can attest, I am one Jew who takes the rites and rituals of my religion extremely seriously. So, I just want to take time out to remember this important holiday.
Passover is the week long celebration of the Jews Battle Against the Pharaoh. It would result in the end of their enslavement at the hands of the Egyptians, as well as their departure from the pyramid speculation market into other forms of investment. The battle involved rivers of blood, locusts, and all Egyptian first-born children being killed when flat UFOs (represented by matzos) came down over their houses, shot them with lasers, thus covering their bodies with boils which got infected when they popped and were licked by the second plague, that of the hallucinogenic toads. Then, at the climax of the Battle, Moses led his people across the parted Red Sea. The waters then closed behind the Jews, leaving Pharaoh's army to either drown or be devoured my man-eating gefilte fish. But, alas, this is not purely a celebration. It is also a time for Jewish men to reflect upon their lot - that no matter how much they try, they will never be as cut as Yul Brenner.
The Story of the Jews, as only Hollywood could tell it.
Many people also wonder what the relationship is between Easter and Passover. Jesus was a Jew, and a fine one at that, but he was something of a joker and illusionist always turning water into wine and whatnot. Amateur stuff, but he did it with flair. Think GOB from Arrested Development, but with immeasurable serenity and a robe. The legend goes that Jesus finally pissed too many people off when he crashed the Pharisees big annual Seder bash. When the host rabbi's youngest son asked "Why is this night different than all other nights?" Jesus stood up, claimed "Because you've never seen this before!" and then proceeded to pull a rabbit from a yarmulke, place it on the Seder plate, leaving all to watch in horror as it laid a chocolate egg. He was not invited back the next year.
But some people among the Pharisees, who frankly liked dinner theater (didn't know that Jesus was the first Jewish Vaudevillian, didya?), encouraged Jesus to throw his own Seder. His popularity as an entertainer was growing and so too was the clamor to make the next performance better and more innovative than the last. The pressure of one hundred Dave Chapelles weighed on his mind. Finally, he devised a feat of such daring and endurance that it would send David Blaine into a permanent fetal position. At the end of a delicious meal, Jesus would have his lovely assistants crucify him, leave him to die, and then resurrect himself and fly (seemingly without wires!) into the Heavens.
Some say it was an unparalleled triumph, elevating him into the pantheon of illusionists for all times. Others weep at the fact that he may have pulled it off and proved to the Pharisees that a little showmanship goes a long way, but that it ultimately left his throngs of adoring fans wondering what could have been if he had stayed around to develop his gifts further. Either way, to this day, children still paint brightly colored eggs to remember the consummate performer, Jesus.