For Amy: Love: Stupid and Sucky or Totally Kickass?

For Amy: Love: Stupid and Sucky or Totally Kickass?

I've decided to pander to the season and write a bit about love. My friend Amy is going to be married in May and so this entry is dedicated to, and directed toward, her.I'm to be a groomsman at Amy's wedding and there is some concern that I may offer a toast, the gist of which will focus not on traditional sentiments:

"I wish nothing but happiness on this beautiful couple as they start a family together. May the Good Lord bless your home and hearth and unborn children."

Or have a personal touch:

"I may not say it often...or ever, but it does even my icy, cynical heart good to see two people so meant for each other and so in love"

Or even go with the less sappy, but equally a propos

"Dudes, this punk rock wedding kicked total ass. RAWK!"

No, Amy has the kooky idea in her head that my toast will go something like:

"Love is stupid and it sucks."

An Early Prototype of the Future Mr. Amy

One might say that Amy's discomfort with my speaking on such a joyous occasion of which she is the focus (sorry Future Mr. Amy, but she would have corrected me if I said she was but one of multiple foci) is not entirely unfounded. The most oft cited evidence comes from the time when I heard that she was going to run the Chicago Marathon for charity. I may have said something to the effect of, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard." To clarify, I am pro-charity, but anti-marathon. Honestly, did Pheidippides really die after his run from Marathon to Athens just so LaSalle Bank could get some PR?In any case, Amy came around and agreed that while running a marathon, especially for charity, may not be entirely stupid, it wasn't a stroke of genius either. So, in return, I'd like to clear up my position on love a bit.

Finding love can make us boring and that's stupid

This comment is a direct result of my experience with online dating and how profiles make us less unique and therefore less desirable. Inevitably, this dating is going to be exhausting, frustrating, and often disingenuous. To paraphrase Chris Rock, when you're dating you're not meeting the person; you're meeting their representative. As an aside, my reps aren't getting it done and maybe I need a better PR approach. Anyone who has ever heard my Judaica-themed pick-up lines knows this to be true.*

I actually don’t mind the online dating experience. Most of the women I’ve met have been quite nice. A number even bore vague resemblances to their photos. And I’ve even become friends with a few of them. The ones who were kinda crazy, well, they made for good stories. And honestly, I feel like I’ve really touched and changed some of their lives. Specifically, I’ve changed the lives of those two or three who, after dating me once or twice, immediately realized their love for their ex-boyfriends. Perhaps I am simply the Jimmy Carter of dating – a poor Dater-in-Chief, but great at bringing people together and making it work.

But back to online dating and love stupidity.

For me, it really boils down to why everyone feels compelled to tell the world that Secretary is the sexiest movie ever. Well, if I have to wear a James Spader mask and spank your ass because of misspellings just to find love, then so be it. But I really think you’re dumbing yourself down just to fit in a profile.

Love, and the pursuit thereof, makes people into stupid consumers

Actually, stuff like this can be kinda cool or hideous. Either way spending hard-earned money on it is pretty stupid.

Nothing romantically mixes love and disease like V-Day vermin

Oh Amber & Kyle, I do so envy the mutual affinity you have

This love-inspired commercial is stupid

Chicago Public Radio is currently running the dumbest fundraising commercial in the history of the world. Girl meets Boy. Girl loves NPR. Boy, not so much. Girl tries to get Boy involved with Girl's interests by buying Boy membership. Boy resists this blatant attempt to change his listening habits and therefore the very essence of his existence. Girl says, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with Carl Kasell." Boy kicked to curb. This is all (allegedly) taken from a phone message left by a woman who wanted to tell her story to the world. You'll forgive me Amy, but she sucks and is stupid.

Fan the raging fires of your hot love with some Fresh Air from Terry!Grrrrrrrrrrr.

This all being said, Amy, love, in and of itself, is not stupid. It may turn people into retarded consumers or even make someone like me write a sappy ass Valentine's Day blog entry, but stupid? Nah.Post Script: If you have been touched in any way by the romanticisms, philosophizing, or sickly sweetness of this entry, I, Evandebacle, am free tonight for...stupidity. I must warn you that the sentiments laid out above are often somewhat muffled by the light touch of my idiosyncratic sarcasm. Also be warned that my "couch" (actually an unforgiving futon that was, coincidentally, once the property of the model for the Mr. Amy Prototype) is, shall we say, cuddling prohibitive. To make up for these shortcomings of setting and personality, I will make you the single greatest cup of hot chocolate ever and, perhaps, rub your shoulders while you sip.

*To give those who haven’t heard these lines some perspective, the more innocuous of them is “Hey, you know Jesus isn’t the only thing we’re good at nailing.” Enough said.


At 12:15 PM, Anonymous Erika said...

This may well be the best entry in your blog thus far. 2 thumbs up dear Apples. :)

At 3:09 PM, Blogger AMY said...

I'm honored to have inspired such musings. But I say this -- while love may be stupid and expensive, when it works out, it's pretty fucking awesome. So there. Nyah nyah.


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