I'm A Joiner
In honor of my friends' recent engagement, I have taken my own plunge and become ordained. This was a difficult decision which came on the heels of decades of arduous, soul-wrenching reflection. Once I had resolved to dedicate my life to the Lord (or at least to a Church which seeks tax-exempt status in His name), the question was which one.
Catholicism seems pretty with its gold doodads. I've also heard that if you join in the next 48 hours you get the option to buy a time-share in Vatican City for way below market. Still, the era of wholesale canonization ushered in by the late JP II doesn't bode well for their standards vis a vis the Divine. No sluts of sainthood will get their hands on my soul.
Then there's The Church of the Subgenius. They tempted me. A lot. Their prophet smokes a pipe; they sell "gimcracks, gifts & geegaws," and they spoke to me deeply about the true Nature of Love: "Love can crush Hot Wheels. But watch out because Decepticons are bigger than Love and can blow it away." Sadly, the price I would have to pay for my faith was too high ($30!).
And that leaves the good ol' Universal Lifers. Back at my old food service stomping grounds, we had a simple motto: "We hire everyone." I wanted to bring this motto into my spiritual life. The Universal Life Church fought the State of Utah and won. They bring you salvation to your desktop. And they have "no traditional doctrine" that I need to follow like those other demanding Houses of God.
I now can be counted among the many fine souls of my more than 20 million clergy brethren: legendary star of The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia PhenomenonTony Danza, TV host-person guy Jeff Probst, and food ninja Fujisan. So if you're having a crisis of faith, are in need of guidance, or if you just need someone to listen, I'm here. And I'm now holy.